The Turkey Sandwich Theory
Two of my favorite things:
Talks with my husband, Zach, over dinner.
Making up theories.
Sometimes these two things collide. That’s how the Turkey Sandwich Theory was born. Last week, over a delicious meal made by yours truly, Zach and I were discussing his incestuous friend group. As he was detailing him and his friends playing hot potato with each other’s exes, I had a realization:
I have never dated or hooked up with any of my friend’s exes. My girls and I have shared chapstick, appetizers, and secrets but never a dick. I know quite a few men who have double dicked though. Why is that?
Thus, the Turkey Sandwich Theory was born. I know what you’re thinking “Bitch get on with it and tell us what the fuck you mean.” Okay, okay. I hear you.
Turkey Sandwich Theory
This theory involves two subjects.
Subject A: A single woman who lives alone.
Subject B: A single man who lives alone.
Both subjects are at home, cozied up on the couch. Subject A is watching something new, something she’s been waiting to see after a recommendation from a friend. Something like HBO’s “Girls on the Bus.” (This is me recommending Girls on the Bus to you.)
Subject B is watching The Office for the 1,500th time.
Both subjects realize they are hungry and both subjects are craving Chinese food. Subject A puts in the effort to order the food on Doordash or run around the corner to the neighborhood Chinese restaurant. Because Subject A wants Chinese food, she knows her worth and she deserves it after her long week.
Subject B decides it is just too much work to order the food. He’s comfy, he doesn’t want to open the Doordash app or put his shoes on and run to the restaurant. It’s just not convenient. Do you know what is convenient though? The leftover turkey sandwich in his fridge. The sandwich is familiar, it’s right there. Did his friend have the same sandwich for lunch today, sure, but who cares? Subject B sure doesn't.
What the fuck do I mean by all of this? Men value convenience. Why go get the food you’re craving when you have a perfectly good turkey sandwich within arm's reach? Why go out and meet women when your friend’s hot-ass ex is right there? She already knows your friends, you’ve already hung out, and she’s cool af. You’ve probably already fantasized about her, you fucking perv.
***I want to make this very clear: I am not equating women to turkey sandwiches. This theory has nothing to do with the quality of women and everything to do with men seeking convenience. There is nothing wrong with that, I am not criticizing this behavior, just making an observation.***
